Breakfast on the Lake

Don't stare.
The observational skill of academy drawing requires this.
I don't feel like it was always this way for me
and there's no reason to explain what happened.

To appreciate the formal qualities 
of shape and light and lines-
What an array of elements working together 
into the science of spheres or cones
or whatever is behind the eye.

I can't look long these days
no patience, no chill
It ruins everything
The questions start too soon
and the moment unenjoyable 
trying to answer or calm or accept
takes more energy than the sight is worth

For some reason
I think about the girls confessing their concerns on the beach of 
their bodies
yeah me too
oh well
but around the commons table I'm also questioning the sun 
and feel stupid for saying it out loud
or pretentious
or stupid
writhing uncomfortable 
i'm not special
but wringing my hands in my lap and concentrating on the etiquette of eye contact and anxiety doesn't seem worth it

I'm worth it
but your conversation is my trigger
your job
your car
your children
your plans
where you parked
where you live
the weather
and i'm tired of being considerate of yours
when you can't seem to figure out mine

or the fine line between 
being polite and communicating boundaries
like
some kinds of communicating make for more awkward circumstances.
maybe if people just learned to be comfortable with silence
and care less about anything
except maybe what is necessary and
i don't mind being insignificant
I am and it's comfortable.

theres a standard in certain sickness
and a competitive need
that I can't empathize or care about anymore.
I care about water, trees, and my needs.

derailed tangent. repressed anger. insignificant.
so look quick and as long as possible
theres people out on the frozen water
on the ice in winter
look as quick and long as possible
to the willow branches and green benches
as long as attention and eyes allow
when no ones around

look as long as the edges are still there
before they blur and blend and the
postmodern rage and nihilism kicks in

Love the lake and the water and trees and sky
until the end kicks in
Not that I know any of their troubles
but aren't they lucky to be other than human

I wish my body was one of purely water
and just for today I won't question the sun.